I have never ever thought of people who had caused me to cry buckets as BAD.
I've never hated them too.
If they have broken my heart, they must have been special to my heart.
And to be special, their hearts are what matter to me- their kindness.
And how could one hate kind people, whom countless times had been the reasons behind our smiles and laughters?
Perhaps circumstances and my imperfections had actually caused our paths to never cross again.
And for that, I regret and sincerely apologize..
I truly am.
Thursday, September 14, 2017
Cross paths
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
arah
selama tak melangkah,
selagi itu tak tahu arah.
kanan kiri depan belakang atau tengah.
bawa lampu, suluh,
tunjuk arah, aku langkah
lambat perlahan asal kau ada bersama,
aku gagah.
pokoknya,
mulakan dengan suluhan cahaya.
bukan tepat pada mata;
terang tapi membuta.
tapi tepat pada apa DIA kata,
sejuk dan meyakinkan kita.
p/s:
16112014
hati tisu
Lepak kejap.
So he accompanied me to the office's cafe though he was fasting.. (ive told him that i wouldnt mind eating there alone but he insisted).
So while i was eating..we chatted.
Then he asked me sth.
My eyes were teary..
It was out of my control..i got melancholy in answering his question and my eyes reacted so fast with my emotion.
And...
I could see him a lil bit panicked..
..that he quickly changed the subject.
Macam ni lah..
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
Depressed
Incomplete.
It is like everything has been put on pause for so long.
And all the plot is confusing.
Even the main character does not know what to do.
Should help been seeked or given?
Disappointed, heart-broken, confused and helpless.
How could plot be twisted; towards a happy ending?- Tell her.
Saturday, September 09, 2017
Bila sayang
#17022016
Bila sayang ...
Kau akan husnudzon dengan serta merta.
Biar aku bawa satu cerita..
Kisahnya kau sayang pada dia..
Tapi dia jarang tanya berita..
Mahu saja kau berprasangka..
"Oh..dia tak suka.."
Tapi kerna sayang pada dia..
Kau husnudzon,
"Mungkin dia punya banyak kerja."
Kisah kedua.
Kau sayang pada dia.
Tapi dia selalu marah kau tiap masa.
Kalau bukan kerna sayang dia,
Mesti kau anggap dia baran ya.
Tapi kerna kau sayang pada dia,
"oh dia marah kerna sayang", kau pujuk hati berkata-kata.
Kisah kedua.
Kau sayang pada dia.
Tapi masa dan ruang tiada.
Dia jenis cool.
Kau pula jenis cemburu dalam cool.
Tapi kerna sayang pada dia,
Kau husnudzon.
"Jauh di mata, dekat di hati".
Itu yang kau bilang setiap hari,
Itu yang kau doa tiap kali.
Kisah ketiga.
Kau sayang pada dia.
Tapi sikap kau dan dia tiada yang sama.
Dia redah saja,
kau skema pula.
Dia suka yang meriah dan ceria,
Kau pemalu dan perlu masa untuk huhahuha.
Dia baik berhemah dalam bicara,
Kau pula direct yang kadang terlebih emosi dari isi.
Dia menilai dari mata,
Kau pula perlu lihat dan dengar untuk 'rasa'.
Dia simpan perasaan segala,
Dan kau pula walau dalam hati ada taman, bibir masih terkunci diam seribu kata.
Mahu saja kau menangis berendam air mata.
Memikirkan kenapa harus banyak yang beda?
Tapi kerna sayang pada dia,
Kau husnudzon..
Kata kau dalam hati,
"walau beda banyak perkara..
Aku mau fahami dan rai itu semua"..
Benarkan aku kata?...
Kalau dah sayang..kau akan husnudzon.
Kau akan cari walau 1 sebab untuk terus sayang.
Dan lenyapkan 1000 sebab untuk dia hilang.
Itu kalau ada SAYANG.
kalau tiada sayang... usah satu sebab,
Satu titik sebab untuk husnudzon pun sukar dicari.
Tapi kalian..
Yang lebih indah itu bila kita husnudzon pada DIA.
Allah kan Maha Baik.
Dia jadikan setiap sesuatu dengan hikmah.
Segala persamaan dan perbezaan,
Kelebihan dan kekurangan,
Untuk kita sama melengkapi.
Sayang manusia kerna DIA.
Baik buruk dia dan diri,
kita sama harmonikan kerna DIA.
Suara ini nasihat buat diri.
Yang selalu terlupa dalam menghargai.
Fear not?
You asked what s my biggest fear?
It s not the deep ocean nor the total darkness that scare me the most.
It s losing someone, knowing that i didnt and couldnt do much that scares me the most.
And u hv no idea how much it affects me, how many tissues hv been soaked, dissolved in tears, how much strength and trust ive tried to gather back.
Those take time. And prayers. And loves.
Heaps of em.
*090917
Friday, June 23, 2017
"To all those broken or hopeless, I have learned this: Be grateful for every single person who was part of your story. The ones that hurt you. The ones that helped you. The ones that came, and the ones that left. They all taught you. Don’t think for a moment that any of it was random. There are no oversights with God. Only perfectly crafted chapters in each unique journey."
02012017
Pinjam bahu
We do neither;
Ditching people when we r happy.
Coming to people only when we need em.
Be there for both moments. eventhough people dont ask us to do so.
Even when they look so tough, smiling as though nothing is wrong; everything is fine.
Be the punchbag and the pillow.
The shoulders and the ears.
Not the hello once in a year.
Not the goodbye when all is good on our side.
❤
290517
Tuesday, June 06, 2017
Cinta dan Nikah
Menikahi insan yang kita cintai adalah satu impian.
Mencintai orang yang kita nikahi adalah satu kewajipan.
Dicintai orang yang kita cintai adalah satu kebahagian.
Apa pun ia, taburkan harapan pada Tuhan.
Agar yang dicintai adalah yang mencintai dan dinikahi.
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
Sunday, May 28, 2017
Gelap
Ramadhan 1
Alhamdulillah.
1 rungkaian dari beribu soalan untuk kisah 3 tahun lepas. Syukur ya Allah kerana dengan izin-Mu aku mampu tenang dan husnudzon.
.
Ya Allah, daku mohon kekuatan, kebijaksanaan dan ketenangan hati, jiwa dan fikiran agar aku mampu redha, mampu memahami hikmah dan mampu menjadi yg terbaik kerana-Mu.
Monday, April 10, 2017
Muharikah:
MERAIH KEBERKATAN WAKTU DENGAN MEMBACA AL-QURAN
Seorang guru yang berpesan kepada anak muridnya :
"Jangan engkau tinggalkan membaca Al-Quran, semakin banyak engkau membacanya, engkau akan mendapati urusanmu akan bertambah mudah".
Lalu anak murid itu mengikut apa yang dinasihatkan oleh gurunya, pada permulaannya dia mampu membaca 3 juz Al-Quran sehari,
Lalu dari hari kehari, jumlah helaian yang mampu dibacanya bertambah, dan dia mendapati urusannya semakin dimudahkan oleh Allah,
Kemudian dia bertanya kepada gurunya "wahai guruku, aku mendapati jumlah helaian Al-Quran yang mampu aku baca semakin meningkat, sedangkan aku seorang yang sibuk dengan kerjaku"
Maka gurunya berkata "waktu seharianmu menjadi berkah, kerana banyaknya engkau membaca Al-Quran, engkau terasa seakan-akan mampu melakukan banyak urusanmu walaupun hanya waktu yang singkat.."
Subahanallah
Melalui kisah tadi sudah membuktikan bahawa, apabila kita membaca Al-Quran waktu kita menjadi lebih berkah.
Secara logiknya, bila kita membaca banyak helaian al-quran, ia akan mengambil masa yang lama bukan??
Mesti hanya sedikit waktu yang berbaki, sehingga kita hanya mampu melakukan hanya sedikit urusan lain, tetapi,
Semakin banyak al-Quran kita baca, kita akan mendapati semakin banyak pula urusan yang mampu kita lakukan.
Bukan kerana waktu 24 jam itu bertambah, tetapi kerana berkahnya waktu, dan kerana urusan kita dipermudahkan oleh Allah Sang Penjaga masa kita.
Rasulullah saw bersabda;
"Barangsiapa yang bangun di pagi hari, dan hanya dunia yang difikirkan olehnya, sehingga seolah-olah ia tidak melihat hak Allah keatas dirinya, maka Allah akan menanamkan 4 penyakit padanya;
1- Kebingungan yang tiada putusnya.
2- Kesibukan yang tidak ada hujungnya.
3- Keperluan yang tidak pernah merasa cukup.
4- Angan-angan yang tiada penghujungnya.
(HR MUSLIM)
http://telegram.me/Muharikah
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
Ubati hati mu yang letih dengan istighfar dan taubat.
Tanda hati letih bila ada rasa bosan, malas, jemu, kosong, lalai dan mudah kecewa.
Hati itu sudah penat dalam mujahadah yang selalu kalah tetapi tetap tidak mengalah.
Hati yang apabila melakukan ketaatan tidak ada kenikmatan dan apabila melakukan kemaksiatan sentiasa diburu keresahan.
Bila hati letih itu petanda hati mu digamit oleh Allah untuk kembali kepada Al Quran.
Ust Pahrol Juoi
Thursday, March 09, 2017
My body reacted differently to stress or disappointment.
It could be too much crying,
Too much shopping
Too much sleeping
Too much comfort eating
Too much melody
Too much poems and melancholy
And too much of nothing.
.
These need to stop.
And i need to go back to basic.
Of examining my heart and soul.
Wednesday, March 01, 2017
Thursday, February 23, 2017
"Shaytan works by exploiting our own weaknesses and attachments. If we have trouble with tawakul (reliance on God), he will exploit our lack of firm footing, to make us constantly hesitant and afraid of the unknown. He will bombard us with irrational fears. He uses our chains against us. But we create those chains, thru our need for control. The greatest shield against shaytan is tawakul. It gives him nothing to chain us with. Tawakul frees us from ourselves and the bondage of fear. The bondage of shaytan."
Yasmin Mogahed
Monday, February 13, 2017
Friday, December 30, 2016
heavier
when i was 47- 48kg (with no diet- i just had less appetite due to packed schedule, adjusting and balancing between work and studies).
that time, mak and basu were kinda worried coz according to them, i looked cengkung (my face and my arms).
and then in nov 2014, we went to grand lexis PD for a week. I love all those western breakfast and pastries that i gained a kilo for a week. that makes me 48-49kg.
and in nov-dec 2015, i went for SPM marking. I marked 300++ scripts and those made me stressed (though i gained lots of experience and knowledge). So during this stressful period, I cooked, baked and ate a lot of cheesy and sweet food. Those pizza, pastas, cakes, etc were mostly craved and for comfort eating. my weight hiked up to 52kg.
ok... now it had reached 50s!
and towards the end of 2016, i noticed my increasing appetite, bigger portion of food (rice, etc) and craves for food becoming more frequent. i also noticed that my baju kurung and other clothes were not that 'loose' anymore. of course i could see my cheeks are chubbier and other parts are getting 'chubby' too. so the first person who made it clear to me that im getting 'bigger' is bame, then my students, then my SILS, bani, then my colleagues. and of course la mak abah n basu dont mind and love seeing me eating more and gaining more kgs.
i dont mind people making fuss bout my weight or saying that im 'berisi'- coz i do agree with them. lol.
the thing is, im not comfortable with chubbier cheeks and other bulging parts. im not overweight as according to BMI- im still in ideal weight but i dont feel quite comfortable.
so i guess 2017, i shall be back to less than 50kgs? ahahahaa. ive never done any kind of diet before. it is all based on my appetite. but yeah, must eat healthily la kannn..
and please, jgnlah goda me with food. i tak kuaddd..ahahaa choi!
ps. kurus, slim, berisi, gemuk, tembam etc are all very subjective. some would say 55kg isnt heavy and some would say otherwise. So yeah :)
Thursday, December 29, 2016
Monday, December 19, 2016
Saturday, December 17, 2016
17122016
Hilang kata, bicara dan gaya
untuk persembahkan 1001 kata
walau hakikatnya pelbagai medium sedia tertadah
untuk meluah dan mengungkap hari tujuhbelasduabelas.
.
setiap itu
hanya mampu ukir dengan doa dan fatihah
moga sentiasa dalam rahmat Ilahi.
.
hadiah di setiap kali tujuhbelasduabelas.
Monday, September 19, 2016
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Monday, August 29, 2016
I could sense that my time with my parents especially my mom is getting shorter and shorter.
I miss her and i would easily cry when i think of her. Sometimes when she sleeps, i gaze at her. Sometimes when she's standing in the kitchen, cutting the vegetables, i would sneak a look at her. Sometimes when she eats, i would sit and admire her face, and herself, enjoying simple dishes on plate. I noticed her tired body and decreasing energy. The woman who gv birth to me and raise me up and still care for me. I feel so bad for not helping her out much.
O Allah, how much time do i hv in this world?
I plea to You dear Lord..not to end mine nor her(and father) until i could repay their kindness, loves, cares and endless sacrifices to the point that they could feel comfort and grateful to You for having a daughter like me. And to the point that they could be one of the reasons for me to be able to get into Your jannah with them.
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Saturday, August 06, 2016
What are your 3 lowest points in life?
1. 12 dec 2014, friday, 10.30pm.
Was emotionally and physically exhausted.
2. During my MA years.
Those sleepless nights, stress, long hour driving, nomad between sp-ipoh-tg malim, staying overnight at different hotels alone without my winglady, etc..
they spelt CHALLENGES, SWEAT AND TEARS.
And im well aware of its symptom; when my heart is less attached to HIM..
I could feel that im becoming more and more sinful.
And i hate it when i couldnt handle 'istiqomah'. T_T
Monday, July 25, 2016
9 nyawa?
2 situasi yang mungkin adalah terakhir tapi bersyukur masih ada saat berikutnya.. :
1. Lokasi: PHL ipoh. Lepas tgk jualan gudang the store. Aku cross jalan lepas toleh kiri kanan kiri.. dan tiba2 muncul lori laju di selekoh.
Lori berhenti mngejut betul2 sedepa dari aku.
.
Memang betul mcm dalam drama. Klau org kene langgar, dia memang terpaku kat tengah jalan.. tak sempat lari or elak (dulu selalu cakap...awatlah mangsa tak mengelak..awatlah duk diam tgh jalan situ klo dh nmpk kereta..lol..). Tapi bila dah kena sendiri, baru faham maksud 'terpana'.
2. Lokasi: perth, australia.
Aku, dan 3 member memandu sendiri sepanjang berada di perth. Lesen didaftarkan atas nama member aku..dan aku sebagai navigator di sebelah driver. Masa tu malam kat traffic light simpang empat. Kami nak masuk kanan. Lampu traffic pun dh hijau. So, beloklah kami ke kanan dgn yakin dan tiba2 datang taxi dari arah hadapan kanan jalan laju.
Dua2 kereta brake mengejut. Jarak antara aku dan taxi hanyalah beberapa inci. Kalau kami berhenti dan taxi tu memecut, maka hentaman pertama adalah pada side aku.
Terkejut..tapi aku cuba bertenang. Itu baru malam pertama. Kalau aku panik, squad percutian akan turut terasa.
Peraturan lalu lintas di australia ialah utk mengutamakan kenderaan kanan. Meaning, kalau dua2 bahagian traffic lampu hijau, haruslah beri laluan pada kenderaan di kanan.
Peluang kedua untuk belajar dan selamat. Alhamdulillah.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Monday, July 04, 2016
CatatanRamadhan1437H
Malam 30 Ramadhan
Mesjid AnNur.
Tadi blackout tiba-tiba.
ada yg terjerit.
ada yg termelatah.
aku agak blur.
tapi selepas seketika, aku suka.
Malap.
Hanya wrna putih telekung yang samar kelihatan,
Hanya sayup suara bilal tnpa mic yang kedengaran,
tiada kipas berbunyi.
Semua persis 4 pagi sepi.
Oh, tapi cuma sebentar.
Selepas kiraan 10 kurang lebih,
Semua terang kembali.
Terus disambut Alhamdulillah.
Ps. Kamu tidak putus dalam doa.
Sunday, May 08, 2016
Berkat
Bila kau tiada lagi masa,
Untuk buat segala yang dulu kau biasa,
Sendiri perlu tahu, ini hanya rasa atau mampu membinasa?
Mana pergi berkat masa.
Mana pergi berkat rasa.
Saturday, April 30, 2016
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Kau tahu Tuhan ada.
Tapi kau sendiri malas mendekati NYA.
Jarak antara kening dan sejadah kau ambil mudah.
Bicara antara mulut dan tadahan tgn kau pandang biasa.
Kitab suci kau buka sekali sekala.
Basahan lidah dgn pujian pada-NYA jarang ada.
Lalu kau bertanya,
Kenapa kau masih bergelumang dosa,
Bersalut duka nestapa,
Berfikir kerisauan dunia.
Hati tahu jawapannya.
Tapi badan masih keras berat dan malas.
Petaka apakah yg lebih malang selain qolbu yg mati?
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Thursday, February 04, 2016
Hamba hina tapi mahu semua
Tuhan,
Aku hamba hina,
Tahu punya banyak dosa,
Tapi masih mahu meminta,
Semua perkara dalam dunia,
Dan semua yang kekal di sana.
Tuhan,
Aku hamba hina,
Tahu punya banyak cela,
Tapi masih mahu meminta,
Diampun dosa, dikurnia syurga.
Tuhan,
Aku hamba hina,
Tahu punya iman tak setinggi mereka,
Tapi masih mahu meminta,
Istiqamahkan aku dalam taqwa.
Tuhan,
Aku hamba hina,
Tahu punya hati gelap tiada warna,
Tapi masih mahu meminta,
Sucikanlah ia dengan salju penghilang nista.
Tuhan,
Aku hamba hina,
Sering hilang punca cahaya,
Tapi masih mahu meminta,
Ihdinas sirootol mustaqeem, padaMu yang Maha Esa.
Tuhan,
Aku hamba hina,
Cetek perwatakan wanita syurga,
Tapi masih mahu meminta,
Kuatkan daku nanti sebagai isteri solehah, ibu sempurna,
Untuk jodohku di dunia dan di syurga,
Serta zuriat keturunan bertaqwa.
Tuhan,
Aku hamba hina,
Dengan hati bolak balik penuh dosa,
Turun naik imanku seperti nafas kencang hentinya tiada,
Tapi Tuhan, aku tahu selangkah aku menghampiriMu,
Rahmat dan kasih sayangMu hadir berganda,
KeampunanMu sentiasa terbuka,
Buat aku, hamba pendosa.
Rayuku padaMu Tuhan,
Jangan tinggalkan aku walau seketika.
Walau sekelip mata.
Walau nafas sehela.
Walau lebih sekejap dari keduanya.
Kerna aku hanya punya Engkau,
Allahu Ahad.
Monday, February 01, 2016
Of ears and tongue
If i were to choose between listening and talking..i would choose to listen.
I love stories. I love smiling and be happy for other people's happy moments. I love the positive vibes of true human experiences; of courage, survival, spiritual journey and self enhancement. I could be the one who lend attentive ears for others too. I might not utter the correct comforting words or giving a precise motivational speech at that moment but i could give a warm hug i guess.
But that doesnt mean i am totally reserved.
...doesnt mean i dont want to be listened to..
...doesnt mean i have nothing to say, ideas to discuss or feelings to share.
It is just that, people might be selective.. to whom they want to be listened to.
And comfortable to share things with..
Be that person.
:)
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Mom
Monday.
530am. Breakfast before heading to #sp
Mom said.
"Bila sara dah kawen ada suami, anak, buat macam apa yg mak buat"
.
.
.
I doubt myself i could do as perfect and patient as hers. 😔 but mom, i'll try my best.. that, i can promise you.
Ps. TakuT. Dan .LelaH.
Sunday, January 03, 2016
Threenuary 2016 challenges
January 2016 challenges:
-not to post any negative thoughts in any of my social media. Surrounding myself with good vibe and sharing positivities with others.
-to consistently go to mesjid for maghrib and isyak + takzirah (at least once a week).
- to jog/exercise at least once a week.
So far im gonna aim for these threenuary first. Of course there are other aims too but im setting a month time frame for threenuary.
May Allah ease.