physically or emotionally?

I got the drill now.

It was difficult for me to sleep early during MCO phases.

I slept around 1am-2am. And i did wish to sleep earlier.

And these few days, i slept as early as 9.30pm.. sometimes earlier than that. 

.

Ive got the drill now. 

I understand me better.

I will sleep way earlier for 2 main reasons;

a) if i am way way way too tired coz of physical activities/programs

Or 

b) if i am emotionally drained. Mentally tired. 

I think i dont mind being physically exhausted as compared to being emotionally tired.

Sleeping is a temporary therapy for me.It relieves, but it doesnt solve much.

And im emotionally tired.

There s only a reason to leave but not to forget

It takes years to trust.
To share secrets,
To say out loud; the feelings.

So would it take years to erase those feelings,
forget those memories,
and move on?
.
.
Frustration isnt enough as there's only a reason to leave but not to forget.

15.7.2018

Complicated

I sometimes wish to have that courage.
To delete, to remove, to replace,
and to move on.

.
Life isnt complicated.
My soul is..😉

#BSD

BSD is the term that i created and use since i was in UNI. it stands for "BROAD SMILE DAY". It is the day that i would reward myself after all the HARDWORK. It was the day that i would look forward too, and told my bffs again & again of how much i couldnt wait for it. As i grew up to working life..ahahahahaha, I feel as if i no longer have any BSD- i no longer looking forward to anything, which is depressing. 

#BSD is important for me as it motivates me to strive and achieve what i want. But as for these few years, what i really want seems to be beyond my power & authority.and it really disappoints me at times coz i have nothing much to look forward to anymore, that excites me. 

I NEED NEW AIR.

Ada apa dengan CINTA

Apa itu cinta?
Cinta itu ialah menginginkan kebaikan buatnya.

Sepertimana kau sayangkan dan berikan yang terbaik buat dirimu,
seperti itu juga kau usahakan yang terindah buat dirinya jua.

Sepertimana nama mu tidak putus dalam doa,
seperti itu juga namanya lancar dalam sebutan doamu.

Sepertimana kau dambakan syurga, seperti itu juga kau usahakan untuk diri mu dan dia.

Itu cinta bagi aku.
Dan CINTA itu bermula dengan mengenali.

define unprofessional

Salam.

Deepest condolences to egocentric people;
whom too proud to ask for help,
too good to accept helping hands,
but way too quick to judge other people.

The world does not revolve around oneself.
Lashing out, playing victims and blaming others;
are truly unprofessional.

ps. #notetoself

Di matamu

Salam.

SUFIAN SUHAIMI 

Di matamu

Apakah kau cuba untuk menafikan
Keikhlasan hatiku padamu
Betapa ku mencuba
Mendapatkan secebis kasih mu

Apakah kau tak mampu untuk menentukan
Di antara kaca dan permata
Betapa telahan mu
Memaksa ku mengundurkan diri

Dan tak seharusnya aku
Bertemu dirimu di dunia ini
Dan kau membuang diriku sesuka hati mu
Dan memilih dia
Dan ku tersandar begini
Meratapi hati yang telah dilukai
Aku sedar betapa hinanya
Ku di matamu

Namun jika ku diperlukan, dan diterima
Izinkan ku menagih kasihmu
Namun jika ku ditolak, tak diperlukan
Buang segala tentang ku

Dan tak seharusnya aku
Bertemu dirimu di dunia ini
Dan kau membuang diriku sesuka hatimu
Dan memilih dia
Dan ku tersandar begini
Meratapi hati yang telah dilukai
Aku sedar betapa hinanya
Ku di matamu

source of lyrics: AZlyrics

*****************************************************

I've never really listened to Sufian Suhaimi's (SS) songs before.
Never really know the person until his engagement to EL was made known and later, their break up and latest, that his ex-fiancee is now a wife to another guy.

i know that "di matamu" is a controversial song as it kinda relates well to SS's history. Plus, the song went famous after their break up. BUT still, i've never really listened to the song. i even change to a different radio channel when the song was played.
i have no interest at all towards the song.

well...until i watched his performance in AJL 2019 - that i shared bout it with my friend, N; bout SS 'pelamin anganku musnah' concept, bout him sitting alone on the dais' bench, bout his feelings while singing the song and bout the standing-o and tears from the audience when he performed the song.

and...
my friend told me that he could feel the song, that the song shared the same story and feelings as his, then only i started to listen and understand the lyrics.

yes.
it's about cinta yang tidak kesampaian.

so let's talk about putus cinta.
i think everyone might have experienced it at least once in their life.
but the reasons for it to happen might be different.
it might be caused by you,
...by him/ her,
...by others,
or by the circumstances.

Nevertheless,
none of the reasons would ever make one smile nor glad,
until one finds the bountiful blessings hidden behind it.

until then, keep on praying, keep on working towards inviting your destiny.
i purposely said  'inviting' rather than 'finding' the one as same like rezqi, it is maqtub - being written and destined by ALLAH SWT.
same as rezqi, we didnt find them, but we invite and pray that the rezqi that we receive are blessed and would be the source of happiness and the increment of iman and benefit us in dunya wal akhirah.

i didnt write this for my broken-hearted friends.
im writing this for myself, whom had experienced being in the state of denial and broken-hearted too.
whom experience the bitterness of 'cinta tidak kesampaian' too. :)
im writing this as a reminder for myself.

ps. #notetoself . bangun sahabat-sahabatku.

Throwback

And i wont share the answer.
.
.
I could #tb jan & feb in so many ways. I remember things almost vividly, especially from 2008 onwards.
Last year, early feb was the time that i was busy preparing myself for umrah.
.
It has been almost a year. Ive heard many ustazs and ustazahs mentioned that we could self-check our umrah, whether it's mabrur or not by evaluating ourselves. Are we becoming a better person?
.
I know the answer. Be it in terms of ibadah, akhlaq, ikhtilat and aurah..
I know the answer.

Envy

My friend envied me to the fact that i could meet my parents every week..
Little that she knows, i kinda envied her for having the blessing to meet her own little family every time she returns home, everyday.

Each and every one of us has their own rezqi though at times, all we see is that the grass is always greener from the other side. I might have rezqi that other people do not have and vice versa.
Same goes with difficulties or adversities. Who are we to say that other people are more  blessed than us or have less responsibilities, difficulties, adversities than us?

Let's be matured.
Be grateful for everything that we have.
Work hard, pray earnestly and give more as to achieve what we think we 'should' have or want to have or need to have.
Stop labelling each other as "having less responsibilities" or "more blessed" or "having no problems";
as what we see- their smiles, laughters and happiness might not really show the struggles inside their heart and mind.

Always remember that sometimes we couldnt have everything.
But all the things that we have, are more than just enough for us.

And sometimes, we could have everything.
But it is just not there yet for us. It also depends on how do we define everything.

Be grateful for everything that we have; for when we lose even one slight nikmat from the many of them that he has bestowed upon us, only then we would realize that we have everything that HE wants us to have, that we have more than enough.

I'm not reminding this to anyone except my own self.
Sometimes i compared myself with other people in a negative way. And of course, it should not happen like that. If comparison is made, it should be as a motivation to achieve and do better, positively.
This is indeed a reminder to myself. Yes, i remind myself by writing my thoughts; one of the ways, of course.

160915

12.12.18

Aku, kamu, kita...

Tak pernah tak sayang.
But i just dont know how to start.

BERKAT MASA

Salam.

i once read and it says - if you want to know whether your time is blessed or the opposite, just look at :
a) how and what you spend your time with
and
b) whether you still manage to do all the good deeds, qur'an recitations and complimentary prayers that you used to do, or are they now being replaced with other 'secondary' matters?
.
.
Last night, i went to mesjid.
As usual, i would take out my notebook and check the dates of my previous notes- it was dated back to 310818. and yesterday was 281018.
almost 2 months, i FAILED to visit the 'raudhah', surrounded by the angels.
i had missed those blessings and it got me into reflecting the matters that i did, that had caused me to lose such opportunities.

ps. BERKAT MASA ITU APA JIKA KAU TIADA MASA KHAS UNTUK DIA?

Be STRONG

HELP

new to this

Salam.

ive always thought that i could be casual during unexpected occasions,
i could handle it when the opposite happens.
but I didnt.
i would be dumbfounded and shy.
and i would cry buckets when the opposite worst happens.
.
simply because i am confused by the amount of love i received
and concealed.

Dusta

Gagal melihat walau di depan mata.
Gagal menemui walau terang bersuluh.
Gagal menghargai walau diberi peluang.

Nikmat apa lagi yang telah kau dustakan?

Cinta AMAT

Katanya ustaz, setiap yang amat itu akan diuji.

Sayangnya amat nabi ibrahim pada putera sulungnya, ismail, diuji jua oleh Allah.
Namun patuh dan sayangnya Nabi Ibrahim dan Ismail pada Allah, mengatasi segalanya.
.
Rahmatnya Allah lebih besar dari apa yang kita jangkakan.
Diganti korban tersebut dengan seekor kibas.
.
Disambung lagi oleh ustaz;
Maka janganlah kita terlalu atau amat dalam sesuatu.  Sayang atau benci itu jangan keterlaluan. Kelak bila berlaku yang jelek, sayang bisa menjadi benci. Bila terlalu benci, boleh jadi dia juga yang akan kamu miliki suatu hari nanti.  Bersederhanalah selalu.

Mudah bukannya rendah

Good deeds.

Sewaktu sampai di masjidil haram mekah, sudah menghampiri waktunya maghrib. Maka kami solat maghrib dahulu. Usai maghrib, dtg wanita arab menghulurkan sebekas kurma. Jalan2 lagi ada yg menghulurkan biskut buat asyraaf sambil bertanya pada mamanya adakah diizinkan.
.
Sewaktu umrah kedua pula (miqat di jaaranah), kami tawaf di kala tengah hari. Di kala panas itu, dtg seorang wanita berjalan sambil menghulur kotak tisu buat para jemaah mengelap keringat mereka tika tawaf. Modalnya hanya sekotak tisu dan ikhlas. Beliau jalan, senyum dan hulur tanpa tunggu balasan walau sepotong terima kasih pun.
Sangat mudah tapi indah!
Terkesan.
.
Kita biasa dibesarkan dengan berbuat baik berupa sedekah wang ringgit,
berupa pemberian hadiah.
Skop sedekah itu luas.
Berbuat baik spt menghulurkan sehelai tisu itu juga mudah, walaupun dilihat sbg kecil di mata kasar.
.
Teringat kata2 ustaz berkaitan makmum masbuk.

Jemaah : "ustaz, klo kita dah lewat solat jemaah, imam dah nak sujud, elok tunggu next rakaat or sujud?(yela, sbb kalau sujud pun rakaat itu x di kira sbg 1 rakaat)"
.
Jawapan ustaz amat menyentapkan aku sebab kalau aku, aku akan tunggu imam masuk next rakaat and follow 😅😅😅.
.
Ustaz : jika dalam keadaan itu (masih punya masa utk angkat takbir dgn sempurna dll), eloklah IKUT IMAM SUJUD. Kerana tanpa kita ketahui, mungkin perbuatan sujud kita itu mendatangkan lebih byk kebaikan dan redha Allah buat kita.
.
Ya, jgn menilai sekecil2 perbuatan dgn nilai yg enteng. Kebaikan yg nampak mudah, tidak semestinya bererti nilainya juga rendah.
Kerna hakikatnya, kita tidak tahu perbuatan baik mana yg punya nilai besar di sisi-NYA. Wallahu'alam.

#170218saturday
#notetoself #notetoself #notetoself !
#sharingIsCaring #catatanharamainsara

I used to think that new york city or vegas is the city that never sleeps... until i came here.

Makkah adalah kota cinta sejati yg tak pernah mati.
Sentiasa ada hati yg melangkah ke arah sana.
Sentiasa ada jiwa yg berada di masjidil haram berharap pada yg Maha Mendengar.
Baitullah tidak pernah kosong dari tawafnya insan, melainkan kala solat dilaksanakan.
Saie tidak pernah tidak ada manusia yg berada di sana.

Lalu bertanyalah hati,
Kalau bukan kerna cinta, masakan berpusu pusu manusia datang dari pelusuk dunia utk mengabdi diri pada Pencipta?

Kalau bukan kerna cinta,masakan berpusu2 manusia menyahut jemputan-Nya setiap detik.

Kalau bukan kerna cinta,
Masakan jiwa bisa terusik,
mata bisa bergenang dan hati bisa rindu amat pada baitullahilharam?

Labbaikallahummalabbaik.

Last friday i was quite frustrated with my f5 students. Yela, kita punyalah berdegap degup jantungku sbb masa amat suntuk dh tpi bila buat kelas kul 3-5.30 tu, only 18/30 je yg ada. Pukul 3 tu pun baru dua tiga je ada. Yg lain sampai 3.30. And.. yg tak dtg sampai ke sudah kelas tak inform apa2 to me.
.
I have informed them bout the class a week earlier. I reminded em again and again. Of course my expectation tinggi; if not all, at least 25 would come.
.
I dont just dislike, but i hate late notice coz it disturbs other people's plan. Coz none of the 12 told me anything bout their absence (except 1), ia ibarat harapan dan expectation yang dihancurkan lah. I planned and prepared for the class, i waited for them. Dgn tak sempat makannya, rushing bagai but 12 org tak datang. And... bila habis kelas at 5.30pm tu, i saw 2 girls yg tak hadir tu naik motor and they saw me! So mereka sorok muka ok.
.
Sedih, frust and geram pun ada. Kalau dlm dunia percintaan, mungkin dah merajuk dah la. Ahahaha. Tpi yela, nk merajuk apanya dgn students kann 😂... so mengajar mcm biasalah.
.
But students ni ada magic nya.. they could actually read your face (or maybe i made it clear). So soon after that, i received pm from them- saying sorry and explaining themselves.
.
I dont ask much. If tak dpt dtg, inform me early. Xde transport,i could fetch em klau dekat. Or i could arrange for their transport. I mean, INITIATE, INFORM & COMMUNICATE. If ramai xdpt dtg coz of valid reasons, i could reschedule.
.
Jgnlah janji nak datang, tapi takde efforts pun..
Plan itu ini, tapi last2 back off mcm tu je.. fikirlah hati org lain juga.. manusia tak selamanya hati sado.
Eh?

Sekian.